-Top story today! WWE flavor of the month Zack Ryder (Real name: Snookie) posted a venomous shoot on the WWE universe on his facebook account the other day. In the post, he admits that "my Internet show was a WWE project" and that he "can't believe the dumbass marks like this shit" ending with "the entire thing is making fun of you idiots, we are laughing at you to your face, how can you not see that?".
The post got 30,000 likes and replies finding it a funny joke. To which Ryder replied "this isn't a joke, I'm not drunk. I fucking hate this stupid gimmick, I hate each and every one of you, and everyone who likes any of my posts is a braindead idiot."
That post got 50,000 likes before Ryder posted again: "...I hope you all die virgins"
Which got 200,000 likes before Ryder took all three posts down.
-Focus groups for the newest WWE "mystery man" hype video have brought disappointing results, says an anonymous source. The new video was supposed to be The Undertaker (Real Name: Mark Undertakerway) sitting down in front of the camera saying: "Hey. I'm coming back January 2, 2012. Rest in Peace, bitches."
Unfortunately, this did not get the reception as planned, as everyone in the focus group said "it's absolutely Chris Jericho".
Chris Jericho (real name: Milli Vanilli) was unable to comment.
-The WrestleMania 29 main event was announced the other day in a press conference in New York. To top the Cena vs Rock feud, WWE Chairman Vince McMahon Jr (real name: Junior McMahon Jr) announced that John Cena's WrestleMania 29 opponent will be none other than Kermit the Frog (Real name: Oliver Hayes). Kermit has already begun wrestling training and is said to be "already better than Zack Ryder, and almost at the level of Super Dragon. We hope by the end of the year he'll be above Giant Gonzales levels of workrate, possibly leading to him debuting randomly on Superstars against Jinder Mahal or something"
-In TNA news, the TNA World Heavyweight Title is scheduled to change hands 13 times over the next three weeks. Bobby Roode (Real name: Bobby Anderson) will successfully defend the title at the next TNA PPV (Final Resolution I think, who gives a fuck) and then lose it in an eight second match on the next Impact to James Storm (real name: Lance Storm). The title will then change hands repeatedly during Impact in a matter not unlike the old WWF Hardcore Title, and will, ironically, be won by several former WWF Hardcore Champions like Rob Van Dam (Real name: Rob Norris), Taz (Real name: Buggs), and Pierre The Moose Head (Real Name: Kurt Angle), only to be at the end won by Hulk Hogan (real name: Terry Hogan) who will then give it to former Star Trek star George Takei (real name: George Takei). Upon finding out that he would be the champion of a third rate wrestling company, Takei could only comment with his signature "Oh my".
-In Ring of Honor news, same old shit.
-Finally in indy news, Dragon Gate USA and EVOLVE have merged into one promotion yet are still running seperate events (actual news). This came to a shock to several of the two-companies-now-one-but-still-two-companies' talent, who didn't even realize they were even working two different promotions. One source tells us the talent's confusion comes from the fact that "the two companies are essentially the same thing anyway, and use mostly the same workers". Frightmare (real name: Frightmare) was available for comment, but nobody could understand him.
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