-Top story today! WWE flavor of the month Zack Ryder (Real name: Snookie) posted a venomous shoot on the WWE universe on his facebook account the other day. In the post, he admits that "my Internet show was a WWE project" and that he "can't believe the dumbass marks like this shit" ending with "the entire thing is making fun of you idiots, we are laughing at you to your face, how can you not see that?".
The post got 30,000 likes and replies finding it a funny joke. To which Ryder replied "this isn't a joke, I'm not drunk. I fucking hate this stupid gimmick, I hate each and every one of you, and everyone who likes any of my posts is a braindead idiot."
That post got 50,000 likes before Ryder posted again: "...I hope you all die virgins"
Which got 200,000 likes before Ryder took all three posts down.
-Focus groups for the newest WWE "mystery man" hype video have brought disappointing results, says an anonymous source. The new video was supposed to be The Undertaker (Real Name: Mark Undertakerway) sitting down in front of the camera saying: "Hey. I'm coming back January 2, 2012. Rest in Peace, bitches."
Unfortunately, this did not get the reception as planned, as everyone in the focus group said "it's absolutely Chris Jericho".
Chris Jericho (real name: Milli Vanilli) was unable to comment.
-The WrestleMania 29 main event was announced the other day in a press conference in New York. To top the Cena vs Rock feud, WWE Chairman Vince McMahon Jr (real name: Junior McMahon Jr) announced that John Cena's WrestleMania 29 opponent will be none other than Kermit the Frog (Real name: Oliver Hayes). Kermit has already begun wrestling training and is said to be "already better than Zack Ryder, and almost at the level of Super Dragon. We hope by the end of the year he'll be above Giant Gonzales levels of workrate, possibly leading to him debuting randomly on Superstars against Jinder Mahal or something"
-In TNA news, the TNA World Heavyweight Title is scheduled to change hands 13 times over the next three weeks. Bobby Roode (Real name: Bobby Anderson) will successfully defend the title at the next TNA PPV (Final Resolution I think, who gives a fuck) and then lose it in an eight second match on the next Impact to James Storm (real name: Lance Storm). The title will then change hands repeatedly during Impact in a matter not unlike the old WWF Hardcore Title, and will, ironically, be won by several former WWF Hardcore Champions like Rob Van Dam (Real name: Rob Norris), Taz (Real name: Buggs), and Pierre The Moose Head (Real Name: Kurt Angle), only to be at the end won by Hulk Hogan (real name: Terry Hogan) who will then give it to former Star Trek star George Takei (real name: George Takei). Upon finding out that he would be the champion of a third rate wrestling company, Takei could only comment with his signature "Oh my".
-In Ring of Honor news, same old shit.
-Finally in indy news, Dragon Gate USA and EVOLVE have merged into one promotion yet are still running seperate events (actual news). This came to a shock to several of the two-companies-now-one-but-still-two-companies' talent, who didn't even realize they were even working two different promotions. One source tells us the talent's confusion comes from the fact that "the two companies are essentially the same thing anyway, and use mostly the same workers". Frightmare (real name: Frightmare) was available for comment, but nobody could understand him.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
THIS JUST IN! (Spoilerz, but TNA spoilerz so who cares!!!)
Rumors so HOT! that we revived teh newzwire!
The 11/18 Impact will feature a casket match that will end in DQ. This is apparently going to be the start of a trend for TNA, where gimmick matches will end with no payoff whatsoever. Anonymous sources tell us that this is due to the new writing team, which consists of two monkeys randomly bashing their palms on a computer keyboard.
One fan said, "finally storylines will be more coherent!"
In other news, someone may possibly be considering that they might be thinking of switching their car insurance to Geico (NOT CHRIS JERICHO).
Finally, Ring of Honor's TV show has reported to have ten viewers this week. This is exciting news for the company, as this is eight more than their previous record.
Said a top Ring of Honor wrestler, "ROH has a TV show?!"
The 11/18 Impact will feature a casket match that will end in DQ. This is apparently going to be the start of a trend for TNA, where gimmick matches will end with no payoff whatsoever. Anonymous sources tell us that this is due to the new writing team, which consists of two monkeys randomly bashing their palms on a computer keyboard.
One fan said, "finally storylines will be more coherent!"
In other news, someone may possibly be considering that they might be thinking of switching their car insurance to Geico (NOT CHRIS JERICHO).
Finally, Ring of Honor's TV show has reported to have ten viewers this week. This is exciting news for the company, as this is eight more than their previous record.
Said a top Ring of Honor wrestler, "ROH has a TV show?!"
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Kinda-Weekly Kinda-Serious News Roundup 5/27
-Indy MEGASTAR! Jimmy Gargano (Real Name: Jim Garganopolis) is rumored to have been signed with WWE after appearing in a tryout role where he acted as Micheal Cole's (Real name: Ricky Martin) "Anti-Heidenreich-Rape Guard". However, these rumors may be false, as according to Vince McMahon, "We already have enough Japs on the roster".
-Tyler Black (Real Name: Tyler Black) is scheduled to face Davey Richards (Real Name: Davey Jones) to defend the Ring of Honor title on pay per view. Ring of Honor is expecting a buyrate of six people, which some are calling a very ambitious goal.
-In TNA news: TNA still sucks.
-Tommy Dreamer (Real Name: Tommy Dreamer) made a debut in the Japanese promotion CHIKARA recently, in a no-contest against Eddie Kingston (Real Name: Eddie Gordo), the match cut short by CHIKARA's BDK stable, which is a stable consisting of German techno fans. Dreamer and Kingston are scheduled to face BDK members Ares (Real Name: Mars, The God of War) and Claudio Castagnoli (Real name: Claude Ravioli). This confirms that Tommy Dreamer is now officially working for every promotion ever, including the ones that no longer exist.
-In UFC news (which now counts as pro wrestling, that's why Wrestling Observer reports on it, ARE YOU CALLING DAVE MELTZER A LIAR MOTHERFUCKER?!), UFC 2010 has been officially declared "The Best Fucking Video Game Ever" by a UN tribunal. Hideo Kojima (Real Name: Satoshi Kojima), director of the movie You Will Watch Raiden And Like Him, No Matter How Emo He Is, Bitches (known as Metal Gear Solid 4 in the US), disagrees, saying it needs "at least seventeen hours worth of cutscenes". Indy game developer and three-time Biggest Douche In The Universe Award winner Matt Dickie (real name: Richard Weiner) says "SOMEONE PLEASE LIKE ME!".
-Tyler Black (Real Name: Tyler Black) is scheduled to face Davey Richards (Real Name: Davey Jones) to defend the Ring of Honor title on pay per view. Ring of Honor is expecting a buyrate of six people, which some are calling a very ambitious goal.
-In TNA news: TNA still sucks.
-Tommy Dreamer (Real Name: Tommy Dreamer) made a debut in the Japanese promotion CHIKARA recently, in a no-contest against Eddie Kingston (Real Name: Eddie Gordo), the match cut short by CHIKARA's BDK stable, which is a stable consisting of German techno fans. Dreamer and Kingston are scheduled to face BDK members Ares (Real Name: Mars, The God of War) and Claudio Castagnoli (Real name: Claude Ravioli). This confirms that Tommy Dreamer is now officially working for every promotion ever, including the ones that no longer exist.
-In UFC news (which now counts as pro wrestling, that's why Wrestling Observer reports on it, ARE YOU CALLING DAVE MELTZER A LIAR MOTHERFUCKER?!), UFC 2010 has been officially declared "The Best Fucking Video Game Ever" by a UN tribunal. Hideo Kojima (Real Name: Satoshi Kojima), director of the movie You Will Watch Raiden And Like Him, No Matter How Emo He Is, Bitches (known as Metal Gear Solid 4 in the US), disagrees, saying it needs "at least seventeen hours worth of cutscenes". Indy game developer and three-time Biggest Douche In The Universe Award winner Matt Dickie (real name: Richard Weiner) says "SOMEONE PLEASE LIKE ME!".
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
More info leaked from WWE
In a Teh Wrasslin Newzwire!!1 exclusive, we've obtained a recorded phone call between Vince McMahon (real name: Vincent K. McMahon Jr) and R-Truth (real name: R-Trizzuth):
Vince: Truth, I just talked to Creative...
Truth: WHATS UP?!
Vince: Well we were thinking you need to freshen up your character.
Truth: What, you mean... do something besides recite the same bad rap every week? That's been my gimmick since I was K-Kwik!
Vince: K-Kwik? Who is K-Kwik?
Truth: That was my name the first time I was here, remember?
Vince: No... are you sure you were working in WWE at the time?
Truth: I was with Road Dogg?
Vince: Doesn't ring a bell... anyways, no, your gimmick is fine. It's bland and repetitive, just like we like it. No, it's about your finisher, that spinny kick thing.
Truth: What's wrong with it?
Vince: Well, all you do is spinny kicks, so we need something else.
Truth: But spinny kicks are all I can do, sir!
Vince: What about a spinny elbow?
Truth: Uh... sure, I think I might be able to do that.
Vince: PERFECT! We'll give it a name, something like... I don't know... the Lie Detector, but better.
Vince: Truth, I just talked to Creative...
Truth: WHATS UP?!
Vince: Well we were thinking you need to freshen up your character.
Truth: What, you mean... do something besides recite the same bad rap every week? That's been my gimmick since I was K-Kwik!
Vince: K-Kwik? Who is K-Kwik?
Truth: That was my name the first time I was here, remember?
Vince: No... are you sure you were working in WWE at the time?
Truth: I was with Road Dogg?
Vince: Doesn't ring a bell... anyways, no, your gimmick is fine. It's bland and repetitive, just like we like it. No, it's about your finisher, that spinny kick thing.
Truth: What's wrong with it?
Vince: Well, all you do is spinny kicks, so we need something else.
Truth: But spinny kicks are all I can do, sir!
Vince: What about a spinny elbow?
Truth: Uh... sure, I think I might be able to do that.
Vince: PERFECT! We'll give it a name, something like... I don't know... the Lie Detector, but better.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Vince McMahon's Guest Host "Wish List" Leaked
After it was discovered that Vince McMahon wanted the long deceased former host of Family Feud, Ray Combs, to guest host Raw*, a "wish list" of other potential hosts was discovered by an anonymous source within WWE.
The list includes:
-George Harrison of the Beatles
-Cliff Burton of Metallica
-Raul Julia
-"President of the United States" Gerald Ford
-Milli Vanilli
-Brandon Lee
-The cast of "The new hit movie" Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
There's also rumors that Betty White (MMA record 48-0-0, 45 KO 3 SUB) is gaining fan interest to host Raw, but Vince McMahon has no idea who Betty White is.
*= Seriously, that's not a joke. He actually wanted this.
The list includes:
-George Harrison of the Beatles
-Cliff Burton of Metallica
-Raul Julia
-"President of the United States" Gerald Ford
-Milli Vanilli
-Brandon Lee
-The cast of "The new hit movie" Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
There's also rumors that Betty White (MMA record 48-0-0, 45 KO 3 SUB) is gaining fan interest to host Raw, but Vince McMahon has no idea who Betty White is.
*= Seriously, that's not a joke. He actually wanted this.
Over The Limit Ring Fired
After causing an injury to Randy Orton this sunday, the ring for Over The Limit was released from it's WWE contract.
A statement on WWE.com reads:
"WWE has come to terms with the release of the Over The Limit Ring. We wish it the best in it's future endeavors".
Apparently Dixie Carter tweeted the following after hearing the news:
"Over The Limit Ring to TNA, should we do it?"
Meanwhile Over The Limit Ring has already won and lost the DDT Ironman Heavymetalweight title six times.
A statement on WWE.com reads:
"WWE has come to terms with the release of the Over The Limit Ring. We wish it the best in it's future endeavors".
Apparently Dixie Carter tweeted the following after hearing the news:
"Over The Limit Ring to TNA, should we do it?"
Meanwhile Over The Limit Ring has already won and lost the DDT Ironman Heavymetalweight title six times.
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